Pat Bertram Introduces Archie Lees, hero of Uncorrected Proof by Louisiana Alba

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Archie: Heroes? Do they really exist? Between rash fools and idle cowards, falls the almost accidental shadow of me. Violence is not my natural way, but I wasn’t going to be pushed around by Tony Gamenmann or any of them! Well so I thought. That said, I’m the only one who cared enough about Ellen’s disappearance to risk actually doing anything. I stood up to Hec, the ex-intelligence heavy, the fix-it man who tried to fit me up in that Manhattan doss-house – that was some corridor shaker – okay he’s piling on the years and pounds, but I hung him out to dry. 

Bertram: Do you run from conflict? 

Archie: No. But neither do I run towards it. 

Bertram: How do your enemies see you? 

Archie: That I’m easy. Hah! 

Bertram: How does your author, Louisiana Alba, see you?

Archie: I think he thinks if he gives me enough rope I’ll hang myself and save him a few pages of work. The truth is I know him better than he knows me and had his number throughout. He got me me in the end with that plot twister (deus ex macchina, if you ask me). Okay I didn’t see it coming and it was, I guess, in the story, but it left my fate ambiguous as a consequence and I’m not too happy about that. Though staying off death row, whatever my current circumstances, is a trade off I can live with. Tomorrow’s there to solve all that. 

Bertram: Do you think Alba portrayed you accurately? 

Archie: Lou tried hard but you know I think I’m a better writer and could have done a better job and will next time.

Bertram: What do you think of yourself? 

Archie: I am one hell of a writer.

Bertram: Do you have a hero? 

Archie: After Achilles you mean? Bukowski. Joyce, followed close by the list of literary heavies as long as 20th century literature is wide. 

Bertram: Why do you see yourself in Achilles? 

Archie: He was a man who knew how and when to procrastinate. Lou just wanted to be ‘literary’. Some authors are like that. Lou laughs when I say that. Can you hear him now? He reckons I’m a big head with a bad case of genre-itus. What does he know. It’s Homer, Shakespeare and me against Lou Alba. Who would you put your money on?

Bertram:. Do you have a goal? 

Archie: (Like Don Quixote) I want to be myself. 

Bertram: What are your achievements? 

Archie: Surviving my story not enough for you? 

Bertram: Do you keep your achievements to yourself? 

Archie: Apparently I do, or else I wouldn’t have ended up in the soup at the end. 

Bertram: What do you want? 

Archie: Justice. 

Bertram: What makes you happy? 

Archie: Giving that Hispanic kid fifty bucks in the games parlour after the kid beat me at coin soccer, that made me feel good. He didn’t believe my motives were honest, but he got the money (and he won it fair and square) so that’s what counts. 

Bertram: What are you afraid of? 

Archie: That there’s no end to injustice.

Bertram: What makes you angry? 

Archie: Injustice. 

Bertram: What makes you sad? 

Archie: Injustice. 

Bertram: What do you regret? 

Archie: That I wasn’t smart enough to do enough about the injustices I saw. 

Bertram: What, if anything, haunts you? 

Archie: My own words. That and getting that editorial job instead of telling Ellen the truth right out about my novel… that haunts as much as it hurts. 

Bertram: Are you lucky? 

Archie: Do I sound like it? It’s not all my fault though. With Lou as advocate a character need eyes in the back of his head. 

Bertram: Have you ever failed at anything? 

Archie: I should have killed that scribbler myself – I got blamed for it anyway. 

Bertram: Have you ever betrayed anyone? 

Archie: Apart from myself, no, well not in the author’s version of me anyway. Did I betray Hec?  I took his money and knocked him into a sad heap in that hotel, but as it wasn’t his money anyway and he was nothing to me, why should I think twice about him? He should thank me; I surprised him into a character recognition of his own. You know what they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going. I got going. Achilles could have said that. As for Ellen, a self-interested sort like her can look out for herself. Alessandro? You can’t betray someone that immoral. Ditto for Tony G  and Menny Lowes. Cal? That’s where it gets to the most complicated. When I heard he was dead I thought: I have really done it now. But he wasn’t dead. I should have realised he was too smart for all of them. And who’s on the cover my book?  Cal.

Bertram: Are you honorable? 

Archie: I thought I was too powerless to be anything else. I am and was surprisingly honest, and will be in the future, just you wait and see.

Bertram: Are you healthy? 

Archie: Rudely. 

Bertram: Do you have any handicaps? 

Archie: Apart from my way of thinking? Maybe I trust others I have regard for a little too much. I’m a bit naive like that. But you know we characters are often thrust into these situations without help. Lou kept so much of the backstory locked up. What’s a protagonist supposed to do in the court of literary adventure without knowledge of crucial backstory facts? 

Bertram: Is there anything about your background you’d like to discuss? 

Archie: I’ll claim the fifth on that.

Bertram: Was there a major turning point in your life? 

Archie: Finding out there were scribblers out there mean enough to steal another scribbler’s words. There were two in my case. 

Bertram: What are the last three books you read? 

Archie: The Year of the Death of Riccardo Reis. Ham on Rye. The Fall. In the Midst of Death. Not necessarily in that order though, if I recall correctly…

Bertram: Where can someone find out more about you?

Archie: At Elephantears Press or from Louisiana Alba

See also: Uncorrected Proof by Louisiana Alba

Pat Bertram Introduces Paul Priestly, Hero of Disco Evil: Dead Man’s Stand by Rod Marsden

Bertram: What is your story?

Paul: I was straight out of high school. I had an okay job as a bank teller. Then I visited a disco one night and became one of the undead. I got revenge on some people who had wronged me but I have made a lot of enemies. I once wanted to believe in superheroes. I once believed with all my soul in make love, not war. The disco destroyed that belief and I want it back. I know now I cannot get it back. I will continue to fight those who took it away from me. I will also fight those who will strand against me and defend those against make love, not war.

Bertram: Who are you??

Paul: I am a vampire.

Bertram: Where do you live?

Paul: I do not live. I unlive where I can. I am neither alive nor dead. I must find shelter during the day or be destroyed by the rays of the sun.

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Paul: I am the tragic hero of my own story. Others may not agree with this. I must have blood. I try to only kill those I see as undeserving of life. In this way I try to make the world a better place.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Paul: My problem is that I am always being hunted. Members of the Secret Compass, an outfit out to destroy all vampires, are after me. I am also being pursued by the Rising Sun Group, an Asian concern also out to do me in.

Bertram: Do you have a problem that wasn’t mentioned in the story?

Paul: No problem I can think of off hand. Maybe I need love and I need to move away from violence but both are impossible for me to achieve.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict?

Paul: I didn’t embrace conflict at first but now I have developed a death wish and want to take as many of the enemy with me as possible. I will die my second death with some sense of honor.

Bertram: How do you see yourself?

Paul: I am the victim of circumstance suddenly given the opportunity to right the wrongs I was afflicted with when I was human. I have destroyed many who would spit upon make love, not war.

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Paul: My only friend was Lilith. She sired me. She was given her second death in New York. She went out in a blaze of glory. I miss her. I know she saw me as the ally she needed. She wanted to destroy brutish men who could have been Nazi thugs in another life. She destroyed men such men. She also realized brutish women were to blame for there being brutish men in this world. She needed me to take out the brutish women.

Bertram: How do your enemies see you?

Paul: My enemies should see me as the great avenger of wrongs but they don’t. One sees me as the killer of his niece. Most see me as simply another vampire that has to be slain.

Bertram: How does your author see you?

Paul: I think the author sees me as a troubled soul…maybe a reflection in some ways of his own troubled soul. He doesn’t agree at all with my methods but he understands where I am coming from.

Bertram: Do you think the author portrayed you accurately?

Paul: The author did his best. If he was undead he might have done a slightly better job.

Bertram: What do you think of yourself?

Paul: I am an avenger! I right wrongs! I try to only hurt those who deserve it. The thoughtless savage woman dies at my hands and I lift the thoughtful angels among women up onto my shoulders to where they can see and experience the beauty of our world. I destroy their enemies…Well, some of their enemies…I wish Lilith was still around to take out the male trash.

Bertram: Do you have a hero?

Paul: Lilith was my hero. She’s gone now.

Bertram: Do you have a goal?

Paul: I will make those who spat upon the Hippy ideal of make love, not war very sorry.

Bertram: What are your achievements?

Paul: I have taken much blood from women who, in my opinion, did not deserve to live. I have also recruited, sired women over into vampirism so they might join me in my quest to make the world a better place. I have not been entirely successful in this last regard but one does one’s best.

Bertram: Do you keep your achievements to yourself?

Paul: I do hide dead bodies so the vampire hunters don’t catch up with me if that is what you mean.

Bertram: Do you have any special strengths or weaknesses?

Paul: I am much stronger than a human and my senses are far more developed. I can change form and also summon vermin to my aid when I am under attack. I have the usual vampire weaknesses. Not to be discussed with you. Now if you were not human…

Bertram: Do you have any skills?

Paul: In bat form I can fly. I can also mesmerize my victims.

Bertram: What do you want?

Paul: I want the Hippy paradise promised to me that was taken away by the Disco scene and the people undeserving of life!

Bertram: What do you want to be?

Paul: I want to be cared for, I want to feel like a superhero.

Bertram: What makes you sad?

Paul: I am saddened by the fact that I have never experience human sex and, being now undead, never will. I gain whatever sexual pleasure I can from the taking of blood.

Bertram: What do you regret?

Paul: I regret not being able to save Lilith.

Bertram: What is your biggest disappointment?

Paul: I am disappointed by the Disco. Promises were made but not kept.

Bertram: What was your childhood like?

Paul: It was a quiet childhood. I grew up in a good household. I miss my family.

Bertram: What in your past had the most profound affect on you?

Paul: My first visit to a disco. Also the night at a disco Lilith came into my existence and took my life. Three nights later I was undead and the avenger you see before you.

Bertram: What in your past would you like to forget?

Paul: My family. in my present condition I cannot be with them. Also the night Lilith died her second death. It was horrible!

Bertram: Who was your first love?

Paul: I would like to say Lilith but it’s not true. She was more like another sister to me. I suppose I have never had a first love.

Bertram: What is your most closely guarded secret?

Paul: The fact that I cannot really turn back the tide of time and mend what the Disco has broken.

Bertram: What is your most prized possession?

Paul: My honor. I need it to continue my work.

Bertram: What is your favorite music?

Paul: Goth nowadays. I grew up on the Beatles.

Bertram: What are the last three books you read?

Paul: They were vampire novels written by women I had sired into vampirism.

Bertram: If you had the power to change one thing in the world that did not affect you personally, what would it be?

Paul: Kill Disco completely and create a world where women are beautiful, happy and have flowers in their hair and they are not cruel to men because men in this world would never, ever be cruel to them.

Bertram: What makes you think that change would be for the better?

Paul: Everyone would be happy and those that wouldn’t…well, I could dance on their graves!

Bertram: If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you rather be stranded with, a man or a woman?

Paul: A woman. I only drink blood from a woman unless it is bottled blood or plasma.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Paul: I will soon die my second death. It will be glorious!

Pat Bertram Introduces Kendra DeSola the Hero of School of Lies by Mickey Hoffman

Bertram: What is your story?

Kendra: I don’t have stories, I have issues. I’d tell you about them but you’d be sorry you asked.

Bertram: Who are you?

Kendra: My name is Kendra DeSola and I teach Special Education in a city high school.

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Kendra: Well, I think I am but I have been told I wouldn’t get any awards for my behavior.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Kendra: I’m sort of being set up. First I thought it was just to make me look like a child molester, but things went down hill after that.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict?

Kendra: No, it finds me because I keep asking too many questions.

Bertram: How do you see yourself?

Kendra: An idealistic and strong-minded young woman.

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Kendra: A pig-headed compulsive who has a mother hen complex. Hey wait, those are my friends?

Bertram: How do your enemies see you?

Kendra: Now you have me confused. I’ve been called a snoop, I can say.

Bertram: How does the author see you?

Kendra: She thinks I can get out of all the dubious situations she writes me into without long-term consequences. Me, I’m not sure about that.

Bertram: Do you think the author portrayed you accurately?

Kendra: Of course not. I would never lie…

Bertram: Do you have any special strengths?

Kendra: Definitely. I can figure out what people are really thinking and if they’re lying to me or not.

Bertram: Do you have any special weaknesses?

Kendra: Maybe it’s a weakness to not give up on kids that nobody else wants to deal with. Sometimes that feels like a weakness. Or maybe a punishment.

Bertram: Do you have any skills?

Kendra: I can think really fast when I get into trouble.

Bertram: What do you want?

Kendra: I wish I could get rid of some of the rotten people I work with. Oh god, that doesn’t sound good, after what happened. I must mean that if people really knew what goes on, there would be a lot of changes in the schools.

Bertram: What makes you angry?

Kendra: I don’t like being lied to and I don’t like being discounted because I teach Special Ed.

Bertram: What makes you sad?

Kendra: Professionally, the fact that nobody wants my kids in the schools. Personally, I’d rather not say.

Bertram: What do you regret?

Kendra: I regret not being able to stop what I think was a murder. Those damn cops, they didn’t believe me!

Bertram: What, if anything, haunts you?

Kendra: The sister of a coworker told me I didn’t care about him until it was too late.

Bertram: Has anyone ever betrayed you?

Kendra: You mean, like they betrayed a confidence? I have to say no because I’m pretty cautious about who I trust. In fact, I’m not sure I like all your questions but I’m trying to be patient here or my author will be very angry with me.

Bertram: Have you ever failed anyone?

Kendra: You have to ask them. My author thinks I might have. What does she know?

Bertram: Do you keep your promises?

Kendra: Um, well. Usually. When they deserve to be kept.

Bertram: What was your childhood like?

Kendra: It was okay until my older brother got set up to look like a drug dealer and went to jail. By the time the truth came out he’d already served several years!

Bertram: What in your past would you like others to forget?

Kendra: If anyone saw the slanderous email about me, I hope they forget that fast!

Bertram: What is your most closely guarded secret?

Kendra: That trouble at Standard High, I know some stuff.

Bertram: Do you have any hobbies?

Kendra: I play on line fantasy computer games and I love home decorating.

Bertram: What is your favorite scent?

Kendra: Anything that doesn’t smell like my classroom.

Bertram: What is your favorite food?

Kendra: Cheese crackers because I don’t have to cook them.

Bertram: What is your favorite beverage?

Kendra: I love coffee, I have to say. Maybe because I can cook it.

Bertram: What are the last five entries in your check registry?

Kendra: What are you, the FBI? The detectives didn’t even ask for that!

Bertram: What are the last three books you read?

 Some boring thing about bilingual education, the book I got written into “School of Lies” and I reread “Lord of the Rings.”

Bertram: If you had the power to change one thing in the world that didn’t affect you personally, what would it be?

Kendra: I’d do something to shelter all the homeless animals. Right now I’m–oh, I can’t tell you that because I’m not supposed to give anything away.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Kendra: I will be teaching for a long time but I’ll be in a decent school before long, I just know it!

Bertram: You said you got written into School of Lies. Where can I get a copy of the book?

Kendra: I got mine from Second Wind Publishing, LLC. It’s also on Amazon.

Pat Bertram Introduces Sophie Nieman, heroine of Hand-Me-Down Bride by Juliet Waldron

Bertram: What is your name? Who are you?

Sophie: My name is Sophie Neiman, and I’m the second daughter of Albert and Anna Neiman of Osnabruck, in Northern Germany. I have four sisters, one older and two younger.

Bertram: Where do you live?

Sophie: I am an immigrant, and today I live in German’s Mill, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Sophie: I’m the heroine.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Sophie: I have many problems, but the biggest is how to help my mother and my sisters back in Germany. They are now very poor, because my Papa died. Although he was an official in the City of Osnabruck, his pension was not enough for us all to live on. My mother works as a governess. My oldest sister, Ursula lives with Uncle Rudolph and cares for him and his household, but he is stingy and unkind. I agreed to travel to America to marry a wealthy older gentleman who wanted a “pure German” bride for a second wife, but the morning after we were married, I awoke to find him dead. Herr Theodore did not include me in his Will, so now I have nowhere to live and no idea of how to support myself.

Bertram: Do you have a problem not mentioned in the story?

Sophie: No. I have many problems to solve, but they are all part of my story.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict? Do you run from conflict?

Sophie: I would rather avoid conflict, because I was raised to obey those in authority. However, I have my pride and a strong sense of right and wrong. If you treat me unfairly or condescend to me, I will challenge you.

Bertram: How do you see yourself?

Sophie: My family has fallen on hard times, but I am still a lady and a dutiful daughter. I understand that life is not a bed of roses, and that personal sacrifice is often required. I try not to brood or be sorry for myself, although sometimes it is not easy. I try to live by the Golden Rule. Secretly, I am hot-blooded. Falling in love came close to destroying me, so, here in America, I keep a tight rein on my feelings. I don’t trust men.

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Sophie: As a reserved person who does not easily show her feelings, but who has a kind heart. A church-going Lutheran lady, who, nevertheless, is not afraid to get her hands dirty and work.

Bertram: How do your enemies see you?

Sophie: As a cold opportunist, who agreed to immigrate and marry Herr Theodore strictly for his money.

Bertram: does the author see you?

Sophie: As a proud, brave, and well brought up young woman who is willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill what she sees as her duty to her beloved family back in the old country. Sophie tries to follow through on the obligations she has, but life has a way of throwing her curves she doesn’t expect. She is more adaptable than she gives herself credit for.

Bertram: Do you think the author portrayed you accurately?

Sophie: Yes.

Bertram: What are your achievements?

Sophie: I can play the piano and sing. (People always seem to enjoy it.) I can sew my own clothes. I have good taste in literature and music. My biggest achievement is that I dared to come to America to marry a man I’d never seen because my family was depending upon me. It might seem desperate, but it was also the bravest thing I’ve ever done.

Bertram: Has anyone ever failed you, betrayed you?

Sophie: Yes, my best friend Lisel and Herr Captain Frederick, back in Osnabruck. They ran off together, although they both knew I was in love with him. My poor friend Lisel paid for her mistake, because Frederick proved to be nothing more than a wicked seducer, who dishonored her and abandoned her. I wish I could help her, but I do not know where she is anymore.

Bertram: Do you keep your promises?

Sophie: Yes.

Bertram: What in your past would you like to forget? Or perhaps something you wish had never happened?

Sophie: Even more than wickedness of Captain Frederick, I would like to wish away the death of my sister, Anna. She had consumption and we managed to find the money to send her to the sanatorium, but she did not recover. She was so young! God has certainly taken her sweet soul to his bosom.

Bertram: Do you like to remember your childhood?

Sophie: Yes! The early part was so happy for our family. We were not rich, but we had a nice apartment and we were respected because Papa was a high clerk in the Osnabruck court. My Papa indulged us all. We went to school and studied music, too. After my studies were done, I could read, all I ever wished to.  We walked in the parks on nice days, and had dinner with friends. Sometimes, we hired a carriage and visited the countryside for picnics. After our Papa died, we lost so much! Our lovely apartment and my piano and the books were the first to go. Some of Papa’s “friends” and their families were no longer in evidence, and we were lonely. Mama found work, and she was so tired and sad all the time, it was almost as if we had lost her, too. Next, my big sister Ursula left us to go work for Uncle Rudy on the other side of the city. That was when I began housekeeping and sewing and looking after my little sisters, Rosemarie and Lizbet. I worked very hard so that my mother would not have to come home and feel that things were not well-taken care of.

Bertram: What is your most closely guarded secret?

Sophie: How close I came to running away with Captain Frederick myself. My days and nights were full of dreams of him, of yielding to his passion, but somehow, even though he asked me to come away with him, thinking of my mother and my sisters—of my father and what he would have thought—kept me from doing so. If I were more impulsive, I might have ended up like Lisel, disgraced and lost. Deep in my heart I know I am not more moral than my friend, only more cautious.

Bertram: What is your favorite scent?

Sophie: I think it is the honeysuckle. I blush to admit it, because honeysuckle grows all over the front porch at the millhouse, where my husband used to sit with me while we were courting.

Bertram: What is your favorite color?

Sophie: Green, because that is a color we didn’t see much of in the poor neighborhood we lived in after Papa died. Here, in German’s Mill, there is so much green! So many beautiful trees, like the big Linden trees next to our house, or the poplars which line the roads, or the sycamores down by the river! All the fields are a bright sunny green in the springtime. Also, I love the fine Philadelphia green linen dress my Aunt Ilga bought me to wear.

Bertram: What is your favorite music?

Sophie: I love Bach most of all. His music speaks to my soul and quiets all my sad and stormy thoughts. I wish I played better, so that I could play more of his music. Herr Schwann, at our church, has been giving me lessons, but we are all so very busy all day here, and so very tired at night, it is hard to always practice.

Bertram: What is your favorite hobby?

Sophie: I am learning to ride a horse, one which my dearest Karl Joseph has purchased for me. I never could have imagined having such a privilege, and it is the greatest fun to ride her out into the countryside. Her name is Polly, and she is gentle and sweet-natured. I love to go to the stable and brush her. I feel like pinching myself every time I see her there, munching her hay. I can hardly believe that such a fine creature is mine!

Bertram: What is your favorite food?

Sophie: I love chicken with dumplings, and have learned to make them from the best cook in all America, the woman who cooks for us at the millhouse, Mrs. Divine Daniels. She also makes the very best cherry dampfnudeln (sweet dumplings with cherry sauce) I have ever tasted, either here or in Osnabruck.   

Bertram: If you had the power to change one thing in the world that didn’t affect you personally, what would it be?

Sophie: I wish everyone would be kind to each other, that they would not judge each other before they really know them. So much unhappiness and sorrow could be avoided if we would all give each other the benefit of the doubt, if we would not condemn others just for preconceptions we have about them. I have learned this only through experience.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Sophie: I hope that my birth family will be with me again, right here in America. As much, or possibly more, I also hope that I and my dearest husband will live happily ever after, right here in German’s Mill, Pennsylvania. If you’re interested in finding out more about me, Juliet Waldron told my story in Hand-me-Down Bride.

Pat Bertram Introduces Isiah, Protagonist of the Dark Fantasy Novels “RealmShift” and “MageSign” by Alan Baxter

Bertram: Who are you?

Isiah: My name is Isiah. I am the agent on earth of an entity called The Balance and my lot is something of a cursed existence. But I like to think that I make a difference.

Bertram: What is your story?

Isiah: My story is long and complicated and begins in the highlands of Scotland hundreds of years ago.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Isiah: I have so many problems that it’s hard to know where to start. A scumbag murderer by the name of Samuel Harrigan is eluding me, and I really need him to do something for me. The Devil himself is after Samuel too, so Lucifer is a pain in my arse. Then again, maybe my biggest problem is that The Balance won’t let me go and have a normal life. But I probably wouldn’t know what to do with a normal life if I had one. So yeah, I’ve got a few problems but there’s no point moaning about it.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict?

Isiah: I can’t really seem to avoid it, but I have to admit that I love a good fight.

Bertram: How do your friends see you? How do your enemies see you?

Isiah: My friends often become my enemies and my enemies have been known to become my friends. It’s a hard thing to keep track of in my line of work. I guess my one true friend is Gabriel, but he’s pretty busy a lot of the time. You know, god’s work and all that.

Bertram: Do you have a hero?

Isiah: My hero is the everyman that takes the time to stop and think for themselves. My heroes are the people that go quietly and productively through life without any adverse impact on their fellow man. They’re pretty few and far between, sadly.

Bertram: Do you have a goal?

Isiah: Harmony. Not too much to ask, is it?

Bertram: Do you talk about your achievements?

Isiah: I try not to. I’ve achieved a lot of things that I’m not really very proud of and I’ve achieved some things that are so monumental that no one would really believe me. Not to mention what a braggart or a bastard I might sound if I went on about them.

Bertram: Do you have any skills?

Isiah: I’ve had hundreds of years and spent a very long time training in all kinds of skills. I can manipulate matter and energy, I can affect peoples’ thoughts, I can fight like a demon. In fact, I often have fought against demons. So yeah, I’ve got skills, but I’ve had plenty of time to acquire them.

Bertram: Do you have money troubles?

Isiah: No. It’s easy to make some pretty shrewd investments when you have as long as I’ve had.

Bertram: What do you believe?

Isiah: Well, isn’t that just the big question? More importantly, what do you believe?

Bertram: Have you ever failed at anything?

Isiah: Many, many things. Hopefully my successes go some way to rectifying those failures.

Bertram: Are you honorable?

Isiah: I do my damndest to be, but the nature of my life often takes away that option.

Bertram: What was your childhood like?

Isiah: I don’t really remember. But I know it was hard.

Bertram: What in your past had the most profound effect on you?

Isiah: I guess that would be jumping off a cliff after Megan was killed.

Bertram: What is your most prized possession?

Isiah: My humanity. Because every day it seems to slip a bit further away.

Bertram: What is your favorite scent?

Isiah: Cherry blossoms in spring sunshine. One of the purest things in nature. I try to get to Japan every year to bask in that beauty if I can.

Bertram: What is your favorite color?

Isiah: Does anyone really have a favourite colour? I don’t.

Bertram: What is your favorite food?

Isiah: I don’t need to eat any more, but I do enjoy a really good steak.

Bertram: What is your favorite beverage?

Isiah: A nice cold beer. Nothing fancy, just a good honest beer.

Bertram: What is your favorite music?

Isiah: I like music with electric guitars. I was so glad when they appeared.

Bertram: What is your favorite item of clothing?

Isiah: I guess it would be my leather jacket. It’s been with me a long time now and feels a bit like an old friend.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Isiah: More of the same. I don’t see people changing any time soon.  You seem quite interested. If you want to know more about me, Alan Baxter tells my story in RealmShift and MageSign.

Pat Bertram Introduces Candace Saunders heroine of the novel THE LIST by Carmen Shirkey

Bertram: Who are you?

Candace: My name is Candace Saunders. I’m a 30-something single woman who’d looking for Mr. Right.

Bertram: Where do you live?

Candace: I live in the suburbs of Washington DC. They say it’s one of the best places to meet singles, but clearly, “they” have never tried to date here.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Candace: You see, I have this list. It’s a list of characteristics that I want in my future husband, boyfriend, whatever. My friends think the list is a little restrictive. Come on, it only has 50 qualifications, it’s not like it’s 100 or anything.

Bertram: How do you see yourself?

Candace: I think I’m a cute, funny, blonde chick who just wants to fall in love – with the right guy.

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Candace: They think I’m a cute, funny, blonde chick who has expectations that are a little bit too high. But they love me, and support me no matter what. Plus, they make me laugh, so bonus!

Bertram: How does the author see you?

Candace: This Carmen Shirkey chick told my story pretty well — THE LIST just won the 2009 Next Generation Indie Book Award in the Romance category! She’s a bit judgmental about my List, but she wouldn’t be alone.

Bertram: What in your past would you like to forget?

Candace: Every bad date I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a lot of them. There was the guy who dressed like a That 70’s Show extra and fought medieval battles on the weekend. There was the guy who was in Sex Addicts Anonymous. Then there were the hoards of others that didn’t stand up to my scrutiny.

Bertram: Who was your first love?

Candace: Probably John Taylor, from Duran Duran. I had a Mrs. Taylor t-shirt.

Bertram: Who is your true love?

Candace: See, that’s the problem. I’ve met two men. One gets lots of checks on my “list-mus” test. But then there’s this other guy. He’s my anti-list. He’s a blue-collar bartender, he’s got hair longer than mine, he’s got tattoos – all these are must NOTS on my list. But I’ve fallen for both. Who should I choose?

Bertram: What is your favorite color?

Candace: Blue is my favorite color, because it makes me feel happy. But black, now, black is my favorite color to wear, because it brings out my sexy side. Plus, it makes me look skinnier.

Bertram: What is your favorite food?

Candace: I’m a steak and potatoes girl. My friends can order my steak for me, I’m so predictable. Filet mignon, medium-well (and don’t burn it!), with a baked potato.

Bertram: What is your favorite beverage?

Candace: I like to order Sex on the Beach at my favorite bar, Harlow’s. I like it because it’s sweet, and you can’t taste the alcohol. It’s also a good numbness-inducing drink for enduring bad dates.

Bertram: What is your favorite item of clothing?

Candace: What woman doesn’t love their favorite little black dress? The one that makes you look five pounds slimmer, and makes the boys drool.

Bertram: What is your favorite TV show?

Candace: I wish they’d bring back Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was a well-written show, and really funny!

Bertram: If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather be stranded with, a man or a woman?

Candace: Well, if I didn’t have my best friend Monica with me, I’d be terribly bored, and I’m sure I wouldn’t laugh at all. So I’d probably pick her. But once I meet my Mr. Right-for-Me, I don’t know if I could live without him. If you want to know more about me, you can find the information here: http://www.tinyurl.com/buythelist

Pat Bertram Introduces Danielle Michele Fleming, Heroine of the Novel Shadow Song by Lorina Stephens

Bertram: What is your story?

Danielle: All I wanted was a home, a place where, and people with whom, I could breathe, free of the guilt of these dreams that dog my days, and free of the long arm of my Uncle Edgar. Ever since the July Revolution in France – I believe that was 1830 and I was just a child – I feel as though I’ve been on a long journey, both geographically and emotionally. It is amazing to me what moment can ensue from a slip of paper.

Lorina Stephens chronicled my story in her novel, Shadow Song. The novel is available through online booksellers worldwide, select bookstores in Canada, and directly from Lorina Stephens.

Bertram: Who are you?

Danielle: My name is Danielle Michelle Fleming. I suppose if life had been different, if Papa and Maman had not died, I would have grown to be Lady Fleming, but my life was to take a different course. Instead I became a member of the Midewewin, the Ojibwa medicine society. Of course that was after I escaped from Uncle Edgar.

Bertram: Where do you live?

Danielle: On the land. Where else would I live? It’s been so long since I had servants and walls I think I would find that confining now. For shelter we use a bark wigwam. During the summers we join our clan at Manitowaning. The winters we travel north to hunting grounds.

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Danielle:  I’m no hero, but, yes, the story called Shadow Song, is about me. It’s also about Shadow Song, the man to whom I owe my life and my love.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict?

Danielle: Why ever would someone wish to embrace conflict when they could know days of contentment? No, conflict is my uncle’s domain. It is he who destroys everything in the name of his unholy revenge.

Bertram: Do you run from conflict?

Danielle: Yes I ran. For my very life I ran. But sometimes we are forced to stop running, to face our demons, to sacrifice everything in the name of peace.

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Danielle: I’m sure people around me think me either impertinent or an outsider. As a child I learned early to observe, to learn, to survive. As a woman I learned if I wanted a place to call my own I would have to find it within myself. While Shadow Song’s clan accepted my presence, I was acutely aware I was an outsider.

Bertram: How do your enemies see you?

Danielle: I have only one enemy – Uncle Edgar. How does he see me? I think I am an obsession, an annoyance, a toy with which he plays.

Bertram: How does the author see you?

Danielle: She loves me I believe. I think she sees me as an indomitable spirit.

Bertram: Do you think the author portrayed you accurately?

Danielle: How could she not? You could say we occupy the same inner landscape.

Bertram: Do you have a hero?

Danielle: Shadow Song would have to be my hero. From the moment he stepped out of the green forest I was mesmerized by his knowledge, his power, his kindness. He offered me a home when no other would.

Bertram: Do you have any skills?

Danielle: Aside from having studied for and being accepted into the Midewewin – which is no small achievement – I learned how to survive in the wilderness, how to read people, and how to interpret these dreams priests has always told me were evil.

Bertram: What do you regret?

Danielle: So many things. How do I even begin to list my regrets? But, then, that has been my life, a series of actions from others that created havoc in my life, things I could not control, nor would have been equipped had I even the experience.

Bertram: What is your biggest disappointment?

Danielle: Ah, that is something I cannot tell you. You’ll have to read my story to find the answer to that.

Bertram: Are you honorable?

Danielle: Probably to a fault. But then I had a mentor who lived his life by an exacting standard of honor. I could do little else, nor would I have wanted to.

Bertram: Do you like remembering your childhood?

Danielle: Parts of it, yes. I remember sunlight gleaming on the white marble floor of the foyer, like lace where it passed through the transom over the front door. There were lilies, white and frail, in a vase on the table against the paneling. The lilies’ fragrance was pungent, like a drug to calm the nerves.

I remember escaping from Uncle, paddling with Shadow Song out onto the massive freshwater sea. I watched it all with wide eyes, sure I would miss some wonder if I didn’t look everywhere at once. There were gulls pencilling long arcs on an endless blue sky, swooping down on the shoals they fished. Thousands of them there were. And ducks. And geese. I’d never seen so many waterfowl.

Bertram: What is your favorite scent? Why?

Danielle: Lavender. It is a perverse thing, because it reminds me of Paul Rogette, the guide who brought me through the wilderness and introduced me to Shadow Song. When we parted he gave me a tea tin, a small clay doll he’d made, and a bottle of lavender water. I kept all three, long after their usefulness had failed.

Bertram: What are the last three books you read?

Danielle: Books are a rarity in the backwoods of Upper Canada, but I read one over and over again, Paradise Lost, by Milton. You could say it was a book to which I related.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Danielle: I’m not sure, to be honest. I suppose you’ll have to read the end of my story to find out what my future might bring.

Shadow Song, by Lorina Stephens, is available from in print and eBook format from online booksellers worldwide, select bookstores in Canada, and directly from the author at http://www.5rivers.org 

Pat Bertram Introduces Jack, the Torment Demon, from Shadows by Joan De La Haye

Bertram: Who are you?

Jack: I’m a Torment demon who will drive you to suicide. I’ll even help you pull the trigger. It’s all in a day’s work and I love my job.

Bertram: Where do you live?

Jack: I live in the Shadow World when I’m not tormenting some idiot human.

Bertram: Are you the hero of your own story?

Jack: Of course. Why wouldn’t I be the hero? Just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I can’t be the hero.

Bertram: What is your problem in the story?

Jack: My latest victim doesn’t want to believe I’m real. It really irritates me when people do that. I’m not simply a figment of the imagination.

Bertram: Do you embrace conflict?

Jack: Oh, I’m the very heart and soul of conflict. I get bored very easily and causing conflict is the best way to liven things up. Wouldn’t you agree? 

Bertram: How do your friends see you?

Jack: My friends have long since withered to dust. All I have now are the people who I torment and others of my kind. They aren’t exactly the friendly type. I don’t care how others perceive me. I’m not who I am by choice, so you and everybody else can think what you like.

Bertram: Do you have a hero?

Jack: What part of ‘I’m the hero’ didn’t you understand?

Bertram: Do you have a goal?

Jack: My goal is to make you kill yourself and if I get to make you scream along the way – well, that’s just gravy.

Bertram: What makes you happy?

Jack: The sound of someone’s agonised screams has always put a smile on my face. I also love popping open a bottle of Champagne when yet another soul becomes mine to torment for all eternity. Of course I never tell them that will happen before they blow their brains out. The look of shock on their faces when they realise their fate makes it all worth while.

Bertram: What are you afraid of?

Jack: Well, considering I can’t die, there isn’t all that much that scares me, but the council members, who run the Shadow World, always manage to scare what’s left of my humanity right out of me.

Bertram: What makes you angry?

Jack: I get very angry when my victims ignore me or try to pretend that there’s nothing wrong.

Bertram: What makes you sad?

Jack: It upsets me when my victims give in, when they stop fighting. Why do people give up so easily?

Bertram: What do you regret?

Jack: What kind of a question is that? Don’t you have anything better to do than ask ridiculous questions? Why would I have regrets? I’m a demon. Demons don’t have regrets, do we?

Bertram: Has anyone ever betrayed you?

Jack: One of my slaves betrayed me, murdered my family and turned me into this fearsome, horrible creature.

Bertram: Have you ever failed anyone?

Jack: Yes, I failed to protect my wife when I was mortal. As a result both she and our unborn child were murdered in a foul and unspeakable manner.

Bertram: Do you keep your promises?

Jack: If I promise that you’re going to die screaming – you will die screaming.

Bertram: Are you honorable?

Jack: I have my own code of honour, so in that way I would say – yes. I am honorable.

Bertram: What is your favorite music?

Jack: I quite enjoy listening to Queen. Their ‘I’m Going Slightly Mad’ is now one of my favourite songs. I’m thinking of making it my anthem.

Bertram: What is your favorite item of clothing?

Jack: My leather biker jacket is my favourite item of clothing. It makes me look really mean.

Bertram: If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather be stranded with a man or a woman?

Jack: I would definitely prefer being stranded with a woman. Their screams are just so much more interesting. There’s something about the pitch when a woman screams. It sends shivers up my spine.

Bertram: How do you envision your future?

Jack: Well, my future is looking pretty interesting at this stage. I’m going to have a lot of fun with a girl called Carol. You’ll read about her in Shadows and I think you’ll agree that she deserves me. Then I’m going to pay Sarah another visit. I’ve missed her.

See also: On Writing Shadows by Joan De La Haye
                Starting an E-Publishing Company by Joan De La Haye

Pat Bertram Introduces Chip, the Hero of her Work-in-Pause, a Whimsically Ironic Apocalyptic Novel (Part II)

Bertram: Continuing our discussion from October, Chip, tonight is again about word counts, not adding usable words to the manuscript, so let’s see what we can accomplish. The last time we talked, you were running from the volcano.

Chip: For two months, you left me there, running and running and getting nowhere. It was a nightmare.

Bertram: Life gets in the way. I can’t live at your whim.

Chip: My whim? When is any of this my whim? It’s not even my choice. You choose for me.

Bertram: Well, I am your writer.

Chip: But what kind of writer are you? Isn’t a writer supposed to write — always?

Bertram: Not you, too. I get enough of that crap from other writers and books on writing. Who ever thought that one up, anyway? We don’t do anything always. Except breathe.

Chip: I know. You’ve said that before. Enough with the excuses. Can we get on with this?

Bertram: This meaning the interview?

Chip: This meaning my life. You’ve written me into escapades with giant bugs, devil toads, killer rivers, and all sorts of unutterable changes to the earth, yet I never seem to get anywhere.

Bertram: You’re where you’re supposed to be.

Chip: I’m supposed to be in this zoo? Why?

Bertram: You know why.

Chip: Right. Your precious theme. Freedom vs. Security vs. Responsibility. What’s with that? Real writers just write and worry about the theme later. Besides, who cares about theme when they’re reading an adventure story or a science fiction epic or whatever this is. 

Bertram: A whimsically ironic apocalyptic allegory.

Chip: Yeah, like that’s going to sell.

Bertram: But it’s the story I want to write.

Chip: Then write it. Don’t piddle your time away on the Internet.

Bertram: I don’t piddle. I work. I’m trying to promote the books I’ve already written.

Chip: That’s just your excuse. You like surfing cyberspace and talking to people.

Bertram: So?

Chip: Soooo . . . you’re supposed to be thinking of me!

Bertram: I do think of you, but you’re not giving me much to work with. You just wander around —

Chip: Wander? Is that what you think I’m doing? No wonder you’re getting nowhere. Wander. Sheesh.

Bertram: Then what are you doing?

Chip: Learning. Trying to find foods that aren’t feel-good.

Bertram: I liked that idea. What’s wrong with feel-good foods?

Chip: When was the last time you ate something that made you feel comfortable with yourself and your environment? Never, I bet. Food is supposed to nourish. Period. I don’t trust the stuff they feed us in here. And that Francie — she doesn’t understand. She thinks I’m being irresponsible by tasting the vegetation in here. I know it’s dangerous, but I’m trying to take responsibility for myself so I don’t have to rely on my keepers for every little thing. And why do you keep throwing me and Francie together? Don’t even think about having us end up together. She reminds me of my mother, and you know what I think of her.

Bertram: Why aren’t you this forthcoming when I sit down to write?

Chip: Because . . . I don’t know. You tell me. You’re the big shot writer. I’m just the dupe.

Bertram: You consider yourself a dupe? Don’t you realize you’re the hero?

Chip: I’m no hero. Sure, I dived into that ungodly river and rescued the pitbull, but that wasn’t heroic. It was . . . instinct.

Bertram: You don’t think acting instinctively can be heroic?

Chip: Heroism is more than a simple unthinking act. It entails overcoming fear, risking death, self-sacrifice.

Bertram: You did risk death. That seems self-sacrificing to me.

Chip: How could it be self-sacrificing if I didn’t stop to think that it was self-sacrificing? I just did it.

Bertram: We’re getting way off track. This isn’t supposed to be a philosophical discussion but a strategy session to figure out where we go from here.

Chip: I know where I’m going: to search for food. But I can’t do that unless you buckle down and write.

Bertram: Okay, okay. I can take a hint.

Chip: Sheesh. That was no hint. It was a full-blown declaration.

Bertram: So give me something to work with.

Chip: Here’s the deal. I’m standing at the fence, looking out at the world beyond the refuge. A bird as big as a jetliner flies over the land but swerves before it reaches the refuge as if it senses a barrier. Then I feel fingers on my throat, choking me. I try to turn around to see who it is, but all I can manage is to turn further into the strangler’s clutches.

Bertram: How do you feel about that?

Chip: How do you think I feel? I . . . can’t . . . breathe . . .

See also: Pat Bertram Introduces Chio, the Hero of her Work-in-Pause, a Whimisically Ironic Apocalyptic Novel (Part I)

Pat Bertram Introduces Henri Forain, a Vampire from Chronicles of the Undead by A. F. Stewart

Bertram: I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Forain, I think. You claim to be a vampire?

Henri: It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance as well, and feel free to refer to me as Henri.  As for my claims, I make none.  I am a vampire.

Bertram:  Do you really expect me to believe that? Isn’t it more probable that you are suffering from delusions?

Henri: I realise the concept is difficult to comprehend for those with diminutive minds, but that does not make me delusional.  Your inability to accept does not alter the truth.

Bertram: What is the truth?

Henri: How many times must I repeat myself?  I am a centuries old vampire!

Bertram: When did you become, ahem, a vampire?

Henri: I was born in France, in the year 1527.  I have been a vampire since the year 1557.

Bertram: How did you become a Vampire?

Henri: I came from a reasonably well-to-do family, two parents, two brothers; we were wine merchants in the Bordeaux region.  I became a vampire when I met a woman; she made me a very seductive offer and I have never regretted anything.  I consider choosing to be a vampire the true moment my existence began.

Bertram: Interesting. How do you justify this existence? Don’t you have to kill to feed?

Henri: Of course I kill, that is part of the pleasure. But, many men kill; at least I have better reasons.

Bertram: What has been the worst thing that you have done to another person? 

Henri: I truly do not believe your readers wish to hear such terrors.  I am quite fond of playing with my food.  Repeatedly, and intensely.

Bertram: Oh. Perhaps we better avoid that subject.  Have you ever harmed someone you loved?  Have you loved?

Henri: Yes, I loved the woman I spoke of, the sweet one who brought me to my destiny.  And yes, I’ve harmed her; we have delightfully harmed each other quite often.

Bertram: Ah, yes, well; perhaps on to the next subject.  What is your religious view of things?

Henri:  I have no quarrel with religion, though I hold no beliefs myself.  When one lives through the conflicts caused by religious differences, you cease to put faith in doctrine.

Bertram: What about other aspects of faith? For instance, do you think redemption is possible?

Henri: I have no idea. I have no interest in it.

Bertram: What do you believe is your responsibility to the world?

Henri:  My responsibility is to myself, the world is capable of destroying itself adequately without my aid.

Bertram: What is the most frightening potential deformity or defacement you can conceive of?  What makes it so frightening?

Henri: Being mortal.  It is weakness, my existence is far superior.

Bertram: I never had any desire for immortality. But each to his own, I suppose.

Henri: I must be off about my business. If you wish to know more about me, you can find me at Squidoo, whatever that is.