Bertram: Do you embrace conflict, Mr. Wilson?
Glen Wilson: No. Fundamentally, I’m a coward. On the other hand, I have a destiny. When I’m in trouble, things might get bad and I might get hurt, but my life is reserved for some higher (or lower) purpose. I don’t know and I don’t care what that purpose is. I want to stir things up and live as interesting a life as possible. Also, I want to find the stupidest, most rotten, evil, human trash and poke my finger in his (or her) eye.
Bertram: How do your friends see you?
Glen Wilson: My friends love me unconditionally. I am their fearless leader, their wise mentor, and their hero. Otherwise, why would they hang around? Look at them. Gerusha, my lovely wife, a former barista at Starbucks. Walter Crowley, whom you may know by his magic show stage name: Dr. Zalooq. He’s a little scary, but no one knows more about human nature. Bennie Jackson, my young black friend, one of the top-200 intellects in the world. Murphy, a former cop from Orlando. She doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, but she’s tough and a great person to watch your back when things get dodgy. And the rest? Angela, Elke, Emma? If asked them to hack off an arm and hand it to me on a plate, they’d say “Which one?” I feel like I’m more defined by my enemies and I think you’ll notice they are mostly deceased. The butcher of Lyon? Holly, the psycho hell-cat bitch? Erik, the murdering, white-trash bass player? Do you see a pattern? They’re all deceased. Maybe you’d be safer if you stay on my good side, if you can find it.
Bertram: How do your enemies see you?
Glen Wilson: Grinning as they take their last breath.
Bertram: What are the last three books you read?
Glen Wilson: I don’t read books, they are a waste of time.
Bertram: How does your author, Ken Coffman see you?
Glen Wilson: I already said I don’t read, what is your problem? I don’t have a lot of time, are we done?
Bertram: Do you have a hero?
Glen Wilson: I am my own hero. I don’t know how the world will thrive without me showing the way and taking out the trash.
Bertram: Do you have any skills?
Glen Wilson: I don’t have any skills. Skills are boring and overrated. I have friends with skills, that’s close enough.
Bertram: Do you have money troubles?
Glen Wilson: I never worry about money and I don’t understand people who obsess over it. Life is short. There is no time to waste. I have what I need and if I don’t have it, then I get it. There’s a lot out there. If nothing else, figure out which direction the big economic machine is rolling and push that way. You’ll be rewarded for it. Money is a tool, not an end goal. Get over it.
Bertram: What do you want?
Glen Wilson: Fate makes them cross my path and I deal with them. I’ll do that until my final day on earth. Also, I’d like a beer if you have one. Not watered down alligator piss, give me a big beer with flavor or nothing, thanks.
Bertram: What do you believe?
Glen Wilson: I believe if I wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze as hard as I can, you’ll soon be dead. I suggest you stop trying my patience.
Bertram: What are you afraid of?
Glen Wilson: Being bored.
Bertram: What is your biggest disappointment?
Glen Wilson: Moshi. My sad, doomed friend in Alaska. She deserved better than what she got. If there is a God and I ever stand before him, we can discuss his role in this sad affair after I blacken his eye.
Bertram: Are you lucky?
Glen Wilson: Yes, of course.
Bertram: Are you honorable?
Glen Wilson: I’m honorable if you are honorable. If you have a black soul then I am your worst enemy.
Bertram: Do you have any handicaps?
Glen Wilson: Duh, are you blind AND stupid? Look at this hand. See the two fingers missing? I’m incomplete. I hate that almost as much as I hate stupid, unobservant people.
Bertram: Was there a defining moment of your life?
Glen Wilson: Yes, weren’t you paying attention? When I was eight, a big kid beat the crap out of me and I realized that I’d rather die than be defeated. One day, this will be the end of me, but I noticed that if you stand and fight to your last breath, you will always win. Or die, of course. One day, I’ll die. So what? Not today and you first.
Bertram: Do you have a favorite beverage?
Glen Wilson: Yes, beer, because it’s good. Where is it? It’s been two minutes.
Bertram: What is your favorite music?
Glen Wilson: I like the blues because it is real. Besides, with a mutilated hand like this, it’s all I can manage on the guitar.
Bertram: Name five items in your briefcase.
Glen Wilson: Let’s take a look. I have half a sandwich, a fifth of tequila for medicinal purposes, my passport, a couple thousand dollars in cash and an old 1911 Colt .45.
Bertram: What are the last five entries in your check registry?
Glen Wilson: I work exclusively in cash. If you need a check, Murphy will write one.
Bertram: If you were at a store now, what ten items would be in your shopping cart?
Glen Wilson: Would two six-packs be two items or twelve?
Bertram: If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather be stranded with, a man or a woman?
Glen Wilson: How stupid do I look to you? A woman, of course. While we’re daydreaming, can we make her a mute? Yeah, a well-endowed mute would be my choice.
Bertram: How do you envision your future?
Glen Wilson: At some point, my destiny will unfold and we’ll see. I’ll leave this veil of trash and tears with my hands wrapped around the throat of a world-class asshole and leave things better than the hopeless, screwed-up way I found them. Don’t worry, I’ll leave you, yes you, with plenty of work left to do. That’s all, I’m done. If I ever see you again, you’d better be carrying a beer and list of better questions or we’ll have trouble. Read me?
Bertram: Thank you for talking to me, Mr. Wilson. One final question: In what Ken Coffman novels do you appear?
Glen Wilson: Ken wrote Steel Waters, Glen Wilson’s Bad Medicine, Toxic Shock Syndrome. He wrote Alligator Alley and Twisted Shadows with Mark Bothum.